Obstacles

Since the last few entries dealt with the past I thought I would share what I perceive as the obstacles I need to overcome to move on with my life and heal as completely as possible.

1.      Location

Jill and I moved here together knowing  very few people. Jill went to work and supported me while I went to school. I will never be able to thank her enough for allowing me to further my education. However, the downside to me going to school was I did not have time to make a lot of friends. The school I went to had a large number of non-traditional students so while I would talk with these people in class, it wasn’t like we were going out for a beer on the weekends. So in a nutshell, I did not build close friendships that people do in school. Now, as a result of my job, I am here in Illinois for the foreseeable future Thankfully, I love my job and my coworkers are great! Still, being away from close family and friends is hard some days. I think having my mom around would be helpful to, she was someone I could talk to about anything.

2.      Dating

Eventually, to have the life I want I am going to need to start dating again. The hardest part about dating goes back to being married at 21. I was married at the time when most people are learning how to date as young adults. Sometimes I feel like I am behind the curve a bit and other times I think that no on really knows what they’re doing when it comes to dating so maybe I am in the same ballpark as everyone else.

3.      My personality

The people who really know me may tell you that I am laid back, funny, outgoing, can hold a conversation and most importantly, genuine. The truth is, I don’t feel like most of those things and get shy very easily. This will be the biggest obstacle I need to overcome. I have never been god at doing social things by myself but I am working on it. Going to church by myself has helped because everyone is friendly there but it’s a whole other story going to a bar to watch a game or a movie or any other public place alone.  The hobbies I do have are not the most social hobbies either

4.      Self Esteem

This is quasi related to the previous two points and think song lyrics are appropriate here. The excellent 90’s classic Popular by Nada surf included the lyrics

There's still a feeling of rejection
When someone says she prefers the company of others
To your exclusive company,

That is exactly how I feel sometimes. Rejection sucks, when its from a spouse it sucks about a billion times more and it is a major blow to the self esteem/confidence not just in relationships with the opposite sex but life in general. When something like divorce happens it makes you question virtually everything you thought.

So that’s where I stand in a nutshell. I want to thank you for taking the time to read again. As someone who generally doesn’t care to draw attention to themselves and keeps their personal life personal, the kind feedback has been truly appreciated more than anyone can realize.

Thank you all and thanks for reading,

-Jay

Things I miss

Every now and then, through the course of normal life events, something happens to remind me that I am physically by myself now and I thought, as part of my own healing process, I would share it with whoever reads this.

As some of you may know I take the commuter train to and from work. Occasionally the train will be delayed for whatever mechanical reason. The most recent time this occurred I, for whatever reason, noticed that in my particular train car I was the only one not on my cell phone calling someone to tell them I’d be late.

Upon realizing this I had two identical thoughts. No one cares if I’m late, as in I have no responsibility to any individual to be around at a certain time. And, no on cares if I’m late, as in no one is wondering (in a caring or loving way) why I am not home at my usual time.

This story brings me to the general theme of this entry and it’s things I miss about being with someone. This is just a general list:

1.      Feeling needed

2.      Feeling missed

3.      Sharing accomplishments and life’s little moments with another person

4.      Noise (when you live alone the silence can be deafening)

5.      Hugs

6.      Getting compliments

I’m sure there are more things I could add to this list but these were the things at the forefront of my mind. Just a few things that occasionally make me stop and realize, my life is very different now.

Thanks for reading,

-Jay

Why I'm here

So I decided to start writing this because all the divorce help advice I read says you should talk to other people. No offense to the experts but I really don’t feel like calling up anybody and complaining about being divorced so this is the next best step.

Cliff notes background, many details excluded for brevity’s sake:

I married the love of my life when I was 21 years old. After five years of marriage she told me she did not love me anymore. We tried to work it out (well, I feel like I tried but I think she was past the point of no return already when she told me she didn’t love me) Needless to say nearly a year ago I moved out and we were officially divorced in December 2010.

While I have been “single” for almost a year I don’t feel things have gotten any easier for me. There are days where I miss my old wife terribly and there are days where I want to tell her where to get off.  I only started writing this because for whatever reason I was just really sad today when I got home from  work. I figured I may as well channel it somehow so this is the end result

Throughout this whole process my co-workers have been very supportive and positive for that I cannot thank them enough. I have not talked to my family or my friends about it much and a few reasons for that.  First and most importantly, my former wife and I share many friends. If I talk to a mutual friend on a day when I am particularly angry I am afraid I’ll say something I regret. Second, my friends have their own lives to worry about to and frankly, some of them didn’t even know we were divorced until recently because it’s not like I sent out smoke signals letting everyone know. It’s not something I enjoy talking about face to face (hence writing).

 I don’t really talk to my family about this either and why that is I don’t know. I guess I feel at some point I need to stop complaining about it get on with things. This is a lot easier said then done however. Also, I don’t’ want people to feel bad for me or have any ill feelings towards my former wife, there is no need for that. Some days I’m angry enough for everybody.

That’s really about it for now. I don’t know how often I will write in this just depends how I feel I guess. I hope the above made sense.

In the meantime, I thank the good Lord above for what I do have. My family, my friends, and a job I look forward to going to everyday. Things have not been easy but they will get better, it just takes time.

Thanks for reading,

-Jay